I met her on the highway in Sheboygan outside Fresno at a truck stop on probation in a jail cell in a nightmare incognito in a treehouse in a gay bar in September at McDonald's ridin' shotgun wrestlin' gators all hunched over poppin' uppers sort of pregnant stoned on oatmeal with Merv Griffin dead all over .
I can still recall that purple dress that little hat that burlap bra those training pants the stolen goods that plastic nose the Stassin pin that creepy smile the hearing aid the boxer shorts she wore.
She was sobbin' at the toll booth drinkin' Dr. Pepper weighted down with Twinkies breakin' out with acne crawlin' through the prairie smellin' kind of funny crashin' through the guardrail chewin' on a hangnail talkin' in Swahili drownin' in the quicksand slurpin' up linguini in the twilight but I loved her by the off-ramp near Poughkeepsie with her cobra when she shot me on her elbows with Led-Zeppelin with Miss Piggy with a wetback in her muu-muu
and I knew no guy would ever love her more that she would be an easy score she'd bought her dentures in a store. that she would be a crashing bore I'd never rate her more than '4' they'd hate her guts in Baltimore it was a raven, nothing more we really lost the last World War I'd have to scrape her off the floor what strong deodorants were for that she was rotten to the core that I would upchuck on the floor ;


I promised her I knew deep down She asked me if I told her shrink The judge declared My Pooh Bear said I shrieked in pain The painters knew A Klingon said My hamster thought The blood test showed Her rabbi said I'd stay with her warp her mind swear off booze change my sex punch her out live off her have my rash stay a dwarf hate her dog pick my nose play "Go Fish" salivate forever;
She said to me our love would never die there was no other guy man wasn't meant to fly that Nixon didn't lie her basset hound was shy that Rolaids made her high she'd have a swiss on rye she loved my one blue eye her brother's name was Hy she liked "Spy vs. Spy" that birthdays made her cry she couldn't stand my tie ;
But who'd have thought she'd run off wind up boogie yodel sky dive turn green freak out blast off make it black out bobsled grovel with my best friend in my Edsel on a surfboard on "The Gong Show" with her dentist on her "WorkMate" with a robot with no clothes on at her health club in a Maytag with her guru while in labor
You'd think at least that she'd have said I never had the chance to say She told her fat friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked goodbye.